absence makes the heart… sigh with relief?

I know, I haven’t been here lately.  It’s funny how the difficult times are sometimes harder to talk about because they are just difficult.  At least for me.  I have always been a pleaser, and a joker.  I want to entertain my listeners/readers.  As I write what goes on with my kids, however, it’s not always entertaining.  Since that fact flies in the face of my inner comedienne, it makes it hard to write anything I’m happy with.

That said - one of my favorite blogging women is not afraid to leave her readers thinking, rather than laughing and posted this terrific piece on writing about the dark side of parenting.  It says something that too few people will admit to - parenting sucks.  There are many moments that make getting up in the morning worth all the trouble.  There are days that make the arguments and the calls from principals and the failing grades just a tiny bit more do-able.  But really - for a great number of us, those days are not a regular occurance past the child’s 12th birthday.  For some of us, it’s more like the 3rd birthday… but I’ve been more fortunate than that.  I really do love my children, and I love being a mother.  But some days I do wonder what would have happened if I had packed my little Tercel and run off to the ski slopes of Colorado to be a single-forever, crafty ski bum with a string of gorgeous and philosophical boyfriends who make furniture with their bare hands and brew their own beer.  *daydream alert*

I’m going to try to be more present here.  I’m inspired by Marcy’s blog to speak my mind, whether other mommies like it or not.  I’m confident that I can be an eternal optimist and still say it like it is.  And occasionally, I hope I can also elicit a snort of laughter.

 

Autism Symposium

Sometimes things just fall into my lap unexpectedly.  I saw a notice today for a symposium on Autism Disorders that will be taking place in Fayetteville in late March.  One of the speakers will be Brenda Smith Myles, a nationally recognized expert in Asperger’s Syndrome.  Two others are a father and son.  The son was diagnosed with severe Autism Disorder as a child, but just graduated from the California Insitute of the Arts.  The two days will  be split so that one day will focus on issues parents will find more interesting, and the other day will be geared toward challenges faced by educators.  It’s $140 for both days, and I’m thinking it would be money well-spent to go. 

Tonight, in addition to the good news about the symposium, I had a nice couple of moments with D.  She has been going out with a boy for a couple of months now, which is an eternity in terms of her relationships.  We have given them some chances to prove their trustworthiness, allowing him to bring her home from softball practice and such, and tonight they came straight home from her game even when she wasn’t sure we were going to be home from a dinner we went to.  We told her that we feel she has been proving herself lately, and we’re proud of the choices she’s been making, so we will let them go on a real date if they want to - him driving, curfew, etc…  She seemed really surprised, and pleased.  It was a really nice moment.

Then, a little later, she and her sister and I were in K’s room talking about some cyber-bullying that is occurring on Facebook, and we had a great ten or fifteen conversation about social pressures and what’s worth worrying about and what’s not.  It was one of the first times we have talked together like a mom and her daughters without any drama or raised voices in, like, 4 years.  It sounds ridiculous, but it gives me hope.

New twist

The other morning while getting dressed for work I had the tv on to watch the weather when there was a bit on Good Morning America about a family with six kids who all have been diagnosed with varying levels of Autism.  At first I was thinking “what the hell?” How do you keep having kids after your second one is diagnosed??  Not only does it seem a bit selfish to me to keep having children if you have the slightest inkling that you might breed others with challenges that will keep them from having a semi-normal life - it also seems a bit insane to put yourself through that as a parent.

But as I half-listened to the story, deeming the parents crazy, I heard some things that perked my ears up.  The two oldest kids are considered “high-functioning” austistic.  Some also call what they suffer with Asperger’s Syndrome.  The description of those two kids included several things that sounded very much like some of the personality quirks that D has.  I looked it up online and found signs and symptoms listed at a couple of different sites that made my jaw drop.  I’ve posted them below, and highlighted in bold the ones that pertain to D…

(From WebMD) Children with Asperger’s syndrome may:

• Not pick up on social cues and lack inborn social skills, such as being able to read others’ body language, start or maintain a conversation, and take turns talking.
• Dislike any changes in routines.
• Appear to lack empathy.
• Be unable to recognize subtle differences in speech tone, pitch, and accent that alter the meaning of others’ speech. Thus, your child may not understand a joke or may take a sarcastic comment literally. Likewise, his or her speech may be flat and difficult to understand because it lacks tone, pitch, and accent.
• Have a formal style of speaking that is advanced for his or her age. For example, the child may use the term “beckon” instead of “call,” or “return” instead of “come back.”
• Avoid eye contact.
• Have unusual facial expressions or postures.
• Be preoccupied with only one or few interests, which he or she may be very knowledgeable about. Many children with Asperger’s syndrome are overly interested in parts of a whole or in unusual activities, such as doing intricate jigsaw puzzles, designing houses, drawing highly detailed scenes, or astronomy.
• Talk a lot, usually about a favorite subject. One-sided conversations are common. Internal thoughts are often verbalized.
• Have delayed motor development. Your child may be late in learning to use a fork or spoon, ride a bike, or catch a ball. He or she may have an awkward walk. Handwriting is often poor.
• Have heightened sensitivity and become overstimulated by loud noises, lights, or strong tastes or textures.

This list comes from the Mayo Clinic:

Engaging in one-sided, long-winded conversations, without noticing if the listener is listening or trying to change the subject

Displaying unusual nonverbal communication, such as lack of eye contact, few facial expressions, or awkward body postures and gestures

Showing an intense obsession with one or two specific, narrow subjects, such as baseball statistics, train schedules, weather or snakes

Appearing not to understand, empathize with, or be sensitive to others’ feelings

Having a hard time “reading” other people or understanding humor

Speaking in a voice that is monotonous, rigid or unusually fast

Moving clumsily, with poor coordination

Other signs I found that are descriptive of D are:

• Excellent Rote Memory.  D has always had a very precise and photographic memory.  She was a shark at the game “concentration”, and she could remember going to a particular house once for a yard sale years after being there.
• Preoccupation With Personal Agenda. Now, I know this is a “teenager” trait as well, but it extends to the point of her stressing out and bringing things up over and over when she’s wanting a response about plans we are making.
• May display an unusual sensitivity to sensory stimuli (for example, they may be bothered by a light that no one else notices; they may cover their ears to block out sounds in the environment; or they might prefer to wear clothing made only of a certain material).  D has always been very strict about the kind of clothes she wears, never liked wearing headbands or bandaids as a kid.
• Conversations almost always revolving around self rather than others.  This also sounds very much like D’s dad.
• Lack of “common sense”.  Again, something most teenagers display from time to time, but it is evident with D all the time - and, she doesn’t seem to remember lessons learned the last time she made a poor decision.  No inner dialogue at all.

Well I have decided that it’s not my place to say whose children are more “normal” or “challenging” than others.  For all I know, those parents deal with their six challenging kids a lot better than I deal with my one.  What’s really weird is how the things that I’ve always attributed to D’s personality quirks (buttoning shirts all the way up to the top, eating certain foods every day and getting upset if they’re not available, not getting it when we tease her and stomping off to her room) could actually be a sign of a disorder.  I am just amazed.

So, I’m even more determined that it’s time to get back to good old Dr. Jacoby.  Interestingly, several of the articles I read said that many kids with AS are diagnosed with ADHD to begin with.  I can see why this would be the case, but I definitely think there is something else going on with D besides possible ADHD.  I’ll keep you posted.

wake me when it’s over

You know, a parent never wants to rush through their child’s life and hurry up to get to the point when they are moving out on their own and leaving home.  Usually.  But yesterday gave me a good understanding about how relieved I’ll be on one level when that happens.

We got the cell phone bill.  (How many of you know where this is going???)  Both girls got new phones for Christmas - D after begging for one for months.  She had hers taken away due to irresponsible usage quite a while ago.  We felt she had been showing signs of being more concerned about right and wrong and she’d definitely been more pleasant to be around, so we capitulated and got her a cool new slider phone. 

Since Cingular is incredibly unconcerned about keeping current customers happy and don’t offer a loyalty discount or special deal for returning customers, I had to purchase the $19.99 a month unlimited texting service with both new phones.  Fine, they get to be in heaven for a month…  but you see, with that package comes the access to the internet.  And guess what!?  Internet usage is NOT unlimited.  Not only are we being charged for the 2500 or so mb that she loaded onto her phone, she also got billed for the songs, games, and ringtones that took up those 2500 mbs!!!  So, the rebate that made the phone “free” is a wash, since we’ve got $58 or so added to the bill that we weren’t expecting.  Joy.

So that is what we discovered on the phone bill.  There was the charge for the extra line, the charge for the unlimited texting service that we were forced to buy (x 2), and these extra charges.  So, we now have her phone in our possession.  Again.  There were hysterics, there was fingerpointing and excuses… it’s never her fault, no matter how obvious it is that it could be no one elses.  Or, even if it’s her fault, there is always a shitload of anger thrown our way because of how unfair and mean and downright evil we are.  Last night we even tried discussing rationally the idea that someday this will be her bill - how would she pay for rent and food and gas in the car if she does things like this without thinking about the consequences?  We tried to impress on her that we are trying to teach her things she needs to know to be out on her own someday.  Her response was to bury her head under her pillow. 

So, sometimes I look forward to the emancipation day.  And then even as I look forward to it, I cringe with fear and concern to think of her out on her own.  I don’t know that it will be any better than her being here - just a new set of challenges.

Sweet Sixteen

She used to think as soon as she reached the big 1-6 birthday that we would just hand her keys to a car and wish her well.  She’s finally figured out that is not the case.  Today she went to see the film Juno with a couple of friends, her boyfriend came over for dinner and some cake, and she was pleasant to be around all day.  It was so nice. 

Actually, she’s been very agreeable most of the holidays.  I’ll be interested to see if things change when school is back in session and those social stresses she doesn’t deal with well come back to the forefront.  I hope she really is committed to doing well in her classes.  She seems to be, but I never know if i should believe her after all the false starts we have been through.

Something we’ve enjoyed watching develop lately is the relationship between the sisters.  They are so different in so many ways, they’ve never really had much to talk about and never spent much time together.  Lately, though, they have been acting more like “sisters” than I have ever seen them.  I hope it continues.  I think having a peer and a confidante of sorts at their ages is so important.  K has girl friends, but D doesn’t have many, and I think she’d benefit from having a sister that she can actually hang out with.  But what do I know?  My sister is 15 years younger than me and we didn’t really get to know each other until she was an adult.

One more day of vacation, and they’re back to the grind.

One down… five to go

The first semester of high school ended on a more positive note than I frankly had expected.  D asked for extra credit work for a couple of her classes and she sort of studied for her finals.  She still completely disregarded my suggestion that she start studying sooner than the night before each test, but the good news is that she passed geometry, which she was miserably failing most of the semester.  She earned a 70 on her final, and a 60 in the class.  I’m surprised she had any skin LEFT on her teeth…

In order to take the test to get her driver’s permit she has to have a certain grade point average.  Since she turns 16 this Sunday, we’ll be looking into what that requirement is when school’s back in session next week.  She also earned the right to use her computer for more time during the evening. 

It was crazy, she seemed so surprised and pleased by that - and acted as though she hadn’t considered the fact that she could get her privileges restored when her grade got above an F.  Did she not understand the situation when she got grounded and we told her that she would have to get her grades up to get her computer time back??  Why doesn’t it make sense to her like it does to other kids, that if she just does her work and keeps her grades up she won’t get grounded?  Or, at least, that if she gets her grade BACK up, she’ll be UN-grounded?  I am sure we explained it well, she just doesn’t seem to get it. 

It makes me crazy to explain and explain and watch her just blow off her punishment and act like it doesn’t make any difference.  She just adapts and finds other things to do.  She was so excited about her grades, and made a little sign to hang on hubby’s computer monitor to tell him about it… you’d think it would be easy for her to want to keep that feeling going and just do the work it takes to do so.  But the obvious things and logical things just don’t seem to work for D like they do for others.

But it’s a new year.  Anything’s possible.

good things

It’s funny how good things come in groups. Like the karma closet opens up and just lets a bunch of Good dump out and flood the floor, then closes back up again for a while. Weird.

I got a call Wednesday, the day after the juvenile intake officer meeting, from the officer. He said that the prosecutor decided to put aside the diversion he set up and the case has just been dismissed. So, at this point there is no case to worry about. Of course, they have a year from the incident to decide to go ahead and take it to court, so she still needs to keep her nose clean, but since the incident was a fluke moment of stupidity I don’t think it will be hard.

We have had a couple of talks - well, I’ve talked and she’s listened - about why I have stressed the importance of being mindful of the people she chooses to hang out with in the past. She takes in strays, so to speak, and always has at least a couple of “friends” who have been to juvenile court, or have been suspended from school, or are on probation… it’s crazy. She enjoys that they are accepting of her, and is nice to everyone no matter who they are (a good quality, I know!) but then she could get into a situation where she’s just hanging around the wrong people at the wrong time and could be implicated in something she’s not guilty of. I think this little run-in has finally driven that point home.

Wednesday we heard from the modeling agency, and they do want D to be one of their New Faces. Because of her inexperience, the director suggested she should take one of their courses that would give her training in walking, makeup, photography, etc… Sounds great, but they want us to pay $1500 for said class. Um… No. Not only do we not have that kind of cash laying around right now, it also seems to me that if the agency thinks that she’s worth spending time on, they can also spend money on her; they can get her up to speed so that she will make money for them. Maybe I’m naive, but I think that’s the way it should work.

I told their director today that she won’t be taking the class, and he assured me that they do still want to work with her and will send her on auditions whenver they are not required to send professional-only girls. I told him that would be fine and I thought D would be agreeable to it as well. I think spending time with other girls, some who are already “professional” will be a good exercise for her, and auditioning is a form of training anyway. We’ll work on her walking, I’ll help her with makeup that is flattering for her, and we’ll just go from here. If it seems that she’s not getting anywhere in six months, we’ll reconsider the class.

Meanwhile - her attitude lately has been really mature and she’s been a very good listener and has also been better at communicating with me. It’s weird, it’s like all of a sudden she’s more mature…. but I don’t know why that would be. Maybe she’s had a wake-up call, what with the thing at school and the way the agency really pushed the need for good grades and stuff… I don’t know. But whatever it is, I’ll take it!!

A day of contrasts

This morning I started my day with a trip to the local juvenile detention center with D.  A couple of weeks ago she opened her ADHD-driven mouth and told a girl on the bus she would bring a knife with her to school the next day.  A couple of girls that the other girl was apparently having trouble with took her comments to be a threat to them, and reported the incident.

Now, everyone who knows D knows she would never take a knife to school, let alone actually USE one.  She is the least likely person to get into a fight.  But, she does tend to say things that should not be said, without thinking of the consequences.  I believe that she will be more likely to think first in the future.

The intake officer we met with gave D’s case a “diversion”.  It’s a kind of probation with stipulations attached.  She is to stay out of trouble and away from the girls in question for the next four months.  If she’s able to do that, the case will be dismissed at the end of the four-month period.  I almost wish she’d been given more punishment - community service or something - in order to really drive home the point.  But I know she was nervous and contrite and felt like an idiot for not thinking about what she was saying, so I think the seriousness of the situation did not go unnoticed.

I can’t imagine being a parent whose child has to go to court.  There is another kind of family out there that we just don’t run into often that is so dysfunctional and sad.  The officer mentioned that he doesn’t usually see kids like D in his office.  It’s more common to have kids come in whose parents are abusive, or who cook meth in their homes… what a very sad existence for a child.

D is fortunate to have the opportunity to put this episode behind her, and also to have this evening to look forward to.  She received a call-back for the modeling agency she interviewed at Sunday afternoon.  We go in tonight at 6 p.m. for an hour of runway technique, auditioning for a commercial, and whatever else they do to see if she’s got professional potential.  She was beside herself last night when she got the call.  She was crying and could barely squeak out “ok” when the guy was telling her about coming in again.

We went to my closet and found her a pair of shoes with heels to walk around in last night, since she’ll have to wear them tonight for the runway training portion.  D has never worn heels, so we figured she’d better get at least a couple of hours under her belt.  She actually did pretty well, I think.  I knew the modeling classes I took when I was a teen would come in handy… I showed her how to stop and turn, and gave her a few things to think about (head up, feet walking in a line, etc…).  It should be fun.

She says she’s determined enough about the modeling to work hard to get her grades up and keep them up.  We hoped that driving and softball would be incentives to do that, but perhaps those are too easy for her to do without?  I think she realizes how fortunate she is to naturally have the “look” for modeling, now she has to work to make it happen.  I hope she does.  I hope this is something she can latch onto and work hard to succeed at.  Of course, we just have to get past tonight first.  And then, through the next four months…

Parenthood.  Never boring.

well this is interesting…

D has, for quite a while, been interested in the idea of being a model. I say “idea” because she really doesn’t have any idea of the work and commitment it takes, and gets most of her information about the profession from watching “America’s Next Top Model”. I had told her we would take some snapshots of her and get them in the mail to some of the larger agencies. A couple of them take submissions through email, a couple take them in the mail, then there are some you have to visit in person on their open call days. So, we just hadn’t gotten those things done yet.

Then, last week I think, she got a message from a woman who saw her site on Facebook or MySpace requesting that she attend an open call at a local agency. Until now, the “agencies” who held open calls around here were really just thinly-disguised modeling schools and whether or not they actually booked jobs for anyone, they required their clients to enroll in a series of expensive - and in some cases, unnecessary - classes to train them to be models. So, I was skeptical about this woman.

But yesterday we got a call from a guy at the same agency and he was happy to talk to me (a good sign I thought) about bringing D in for an interview Sunday afternoon. He explained that they are an agency out of Chicago that has recently opened an office here to serve some of their clients better and that they are interested in seeing how D does with a pretend commercial audition and some initial photos. They have her pegged as a possible runway and print model, with some commerical possibility. I’m not sure about the commercial part, but I do think she has the face and figure for other things. This guy said I am welcome to be with her the whole time since she’s a minor, and told me what she needs to bring with her and how she should dress. I told him we’d be there.

Of course, D is VERY excited. What 15-year-old girl wouldn’t be excited to be asked to audition at a modeling agency? We’ll see what they’re offering, and what they expect in return. I noticed on their website they do state that they will pay for a makeover and headshots, so that was another good sign.

Our biggest concern, as you can guess if you’ve read this blog much, is that she’ll be thrilled to do this, and eager to take any/every job they offer her, but she will not work to keep her grades up (or get them up, if that’s needed) and will think this is her ticket to success without having to worry so much about school. And, if she is not doing well in school and we look at modeling as a privilege, just like driving or going out with friends, will our restricting her from taking jobs get her dropped from the agency? I guess we’ll just have to cross that bridge when we come to it. The first step is just showing up Sunday.

Let’s recap…

We’re going on four years of having a “diagnosis” of ADHD for D, and now we’re finally going to get her tested for ADHD.  Sounds like a good idea, right??  When she was diagnosed four years ago it was after a counselor spent just an hour or so visiting with her.  He deduced, after spending that amount of time with her, that she has ADHD, and should take 5 mg of Adderall.  Since that time we have increased her dosage to 20 mg, but since it’s prescribed by her g.p., I’ve always felt like we’re flying in the dark when we decide that we should increase her dosage.

So, today I asked her counselor what he is seeing as being challenges we are still dealing with, and we were talking about her continued impulsiveness and lack of self-control.  During our discussion it came to light that she had never been tested, or “clinically” diagnosed. by means of reproduceable methods, which surprised him.  As we talked about what her school could do to support her difficulties, he emphasized that we need to have her take some intelligence-measuring tests so that we can find out if there is a capability that is not being met, or if the problem could lie in an actual disability or learning disorder of some kind.  We are in agreement that it is probably not either of these things that keep her from getting the grades I think she should.  It’s more likely a lack of motivation, but we have to rule out the other things.

We’re also going to do an actual clinical test for ADHD, and another for anxiety.  She has some exhibited behaviors that lead us to worry about anxiety she deals with, but it’s not clear if it’s a clinical level or just some that occurs on a situational basis.  He mentioned that IF she has clinical anxiety issues, her Adderall can be making it worse.  However, he also said that it’s not recommended to put a young woman D’s age on anti-anxiety meds.  So. Hmmm…

I’m optimistic.  I feel that getting an accurate diagnosis will put us well on our way to figuring out how to get her motivated to get the grades she has to get to stay on the softball team and be able to drive.  Those things are SUPPOSED to be motivation enough, but her grades thus far this semester are not demonstrating that she’s got motivation on any level.

I also asked her to write me an essay last night that describes what her goals are for herself.  I wanted her to talk about future stuff - like whether or not she wants to go to college, or get married and have kids, or whatever.  But I also asked her to include little thing, things she wants to have happen in the next few years or even few months.  Graduating from high school, driving, etc…  What I want to do is pick some goals and break them down into some immediate steps she can take to start heading toward them.  I think she has a hard time (as most teens do) thinking in terms of ten years from now, but if she can come up with the goals then I hope to help her make other, smaller goals that will get her started in the right direction.  For example - if she wants to be a photographer, I want to help her find a class to take or a summer job that will help her learn something about photography.  Anyway, I hope it will help her a little.

I have enjoyed watching D grow into a young woman who likes herself better.  I think she’s a funny, compassionate, loyal and intelligent girl.  I just want those things to dominate her, not the difficulty in school, anxiety, and impulsive behavior.  I have hope.